Official joke thread.....

[mrvette]

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? ' 'Is your daddy home?' ' Yes, he's out in the garden ,' whispered the small voice. 'May I talk with him?' The child whispered, ' No .' ; So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?' ' Yes, she's out in the garden too '& The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No .' Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else
there?' ' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman.. ' Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' ' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?' ' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. ' Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the
background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?' ' It's a helicopter ' answered the whispering voice. 'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. ' The search team just landed a helicopter ' 'A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?' Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... ' ME '












:lol::cheers:

[Blademaker]

:rofl:

[MEANZ06]

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.




'From now on when I say BELL 1

I want you to strip naked.

When I say BELL 2

I want you to jump in to bed.

And when I say BELL 3

We are going to make love all night.


' The next night he came home from work and yelled

' BELL 1!'
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.




When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.


When he yelled '

BELL 3!', they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'

'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?




'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, 'she replied' YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'


:leaving:

[MEANZ06]

A husband emerges from the shower at bed time and was climbing into bed when his wife proclaimed as per usual dont get any ideas l have a headache, no worries her husband said l was just in the bathroom and powdered my penis with crushed aspirin.You can take it orally or as a suppository its up to you

:D

[73sbVert]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[MEANZ06]

It was entertainment night at the Bundaberg Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize
each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. .. ."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its
polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude was never invited back to entertain. .

[78SA]

:rofl:

[MEANZ06]

http://i130.photobucket.com/albums/p275/meanz06/drruth.jpg

[Blademaker]

http://i130.photobucket.com/albums/p275/meanz06/drruth.jpg

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[MEANZ06]

Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says,
" Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies,
" Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

:D

[73sbVert]

Joe goes to the Super Bowl. His seat is in the nosebleed section, but at least he's at the Super Bowl.

He starts looking around the stadium with his binoculars and sees a guy about 5 rows off the field on the 50 yard line with an empty seat beside him. This is driving Joe nuts, so at half time, he goes down and asks the guy why he has a vacant seat in such a choice location.

The guy says, "My wife and I bought these seats a long time ago. But unfortunately, she passed away."

"Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that", Joe says, "But why didn't you give the ticket to another relative or a friend?"

The guy replies: "They're all at the funeral."


:D

[MEANZ06]

Joe goes to the Super Bowl. His seat is in the nosebleed section, but at least he's at the Super Bowl.

He starts looking around the stadium with his binoculars and sees a guy about 5 rows off the field on the 50 yard line with an empty seat beside him. This is driving Joe nuts, so at half time, he goes down and asks the guy why he has a vacant seat in such a choice location.

The guy says, "My wife and I bought these seats a long time ago. But unfortunately, she passed away."

"Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that", Joe says, "But why didn't you give the ticket to another relative or a friend?"

The guy replies: "They're all at the funeral."


:D

:lol:

[kingpin]

A family goes out to the cottage for the weekend.
Mother is cooking a soup in the cramped kitchen when she reaches for the salt on the top shelf and knocks over a container of B.B pellets.

"Oh shit" she says. She thinks to herself it's probably no big deal they will just melt to the pot and won't harm anyone.

A little while after dinner little Johnny(her youngest) at 5 years old comes out from the bathroom and says.
"Mommy I pooed out a B.B" with a worried look on his face.

"It's okay son, don't worry about it. It's no big deal. Go out and play"

An hour later Jeff(middle child) of 9 years old comes out of the bathroom and says.
"Mom...guess what? I was taking a dump and heard something funny in the toilet bowl. I looked in and I think I crapped out a B.B."

"It's okay son, don't worry about it. It's no big deal. Go play with little Johnny."

Later on that night everyone is asleep except for the oldest Joebuck(17).:D
He hated the cottage and hanging out with his family so he brought up a Mickey of Rum with him in his bag to pass the time.
All of a sudden Ruby the family cat let's out a blood curdling scream and runs out of Joebucks room going head first into his parents bedroom door and going bat shit crazy in the hall. :sadangel:

His mother and father get up and open the door and there is Ruby, now laying there purring softly and apparently alright.
Joebuck appears from his bedroom and unknowingly to himself his penis is hanging out of his boxers.

"Joebuck" his mother yells.
"Why are you standing here drunk with your penis hanging out of your underwear? And, what the hell happened to Ruby?

Joebuck not feeling any pain after his drinking looked up at his parents and said.

"I was feeling horny, so I jerked off and I guess i shot the cat." :dance:

[mrvette]

In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa.

One of the other questions was to name something commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer.

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

A new Muslim clothing shop opened here, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A friend of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a moustache."

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”

The Red Cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said I would love to but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway.
__

[themonk]

Hey dummy, you spelled jole wrong.

[mrvette]

Hey dummy, you spelled jole wrong.

That's MR dummy to you , stupid......:lol:

[Petew1971]

If this thread is official..I dont find anything official about it..faggots

[Kerrmudgeon]

If this thread is official..I dont find anything official about it..faggots

....slobber mouth! :ack:

[mrvette]

This guy goes into a bank and robs it. The police arrive, so he takes the people in the bank hostage. He walks up to the first hostage and says, "Did you see my face?". The first guy says "Yes."
Bam, he shoots him dead.
He goes to the second hostage. "Did you see my face?"
The second hostage says, "No, but I'm pretty sure my wife did."

:lol::dance:

[73sbVert]

This guy goes into a bank and robs it. The police arrive, so he takes the people in the bank hostage. He walks up to the first hostage and says, "Did you see my face?". The first guy says "Yes."
Bam, he shoots him dead.
He goes to the second hostage. "Did you see my face?"
The second hostage says, "No, but I'm pretty sure my wife did."

:lol::dance:

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[MEANZ06]

This guy goes into a bank and robs it. The police arrive, so he takes the people in the bank hostage. He walks up to the first hostage and says, "Did you see my face?". The first guy says "Yes."
Bam, he shoots him dead.
He goes to the second hostage. "Did you see my face?"
The second hostage says, "No, but I'm pretty sure my wife did."

:lol::dance:


:lol:

[73sbVert]

A man comes home from a hard day's work, sees his wife packing her bags.

He says "Where are you going?"

She says, "I'm moving to Las Vegas! I heard you can get $500 every time you have sex!"

He reaches into the closet and starts packing his bags too.

She says, "Where do you think YOU'RE going?"

He says, "I'm going there too, I've got to see how the hell you are going to live on $1,000 a year!"


:D

[island14]

A drunk man, who smelled of liquor, sat down on a subway next to a
priest.. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his coat
pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say
Father, do you know what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,'
Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does.'

[DukeAllen]

Man Who Loved Baked Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[DukeAllen]

Dear Terri:

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy
in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that.

But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's
time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says . "There's no one like you, Terri." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at the Rainbow Room and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, Terri, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body - tits you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right?

But as I sat on the couch getting blown by this hottie, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed?
Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Terri? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else - some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Terri, to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you, baby. Terri, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met a few months back? Well, she drops by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she really meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we have a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're making hot love in our old bedroom. And this broad's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. Because I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Terri ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid." (Some of this I thought about later.) You know what I mean?

What happened to our spontaneity? You get so caught up in the routine of a marriage and you just lose sight of each other. And then you lose yourself. That's the saddest part of all for me.

But I keep thinking we can get it back. I know we can, because I only want this stuff with you. Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Shannon's just 18, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders. She's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. (She's pulling for us to get back together, Terri. She really is.)

So we're sitting in the hot tub and talking about happier times. Here's this hot girl with the same DNA as you (although, let's face it, she got an extra helping of the sexy gene) and all I can do is think of how much she looks like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Shannon's really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside the steaming hot Dutch oven of your sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, baby. In your heart you know it.

Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can. I keep thinking that if you'd just try it, I wouldn't have to pressure you so much. Because who needs all that bitterness, Terri? It just tears us apart. And I can't be apart from you.

Because I love you. I really, really do, please say yes.

Love,

Karl

PS

If not, can you tell me where the remote is?