This is the secret time

[SnikPlosskin]

I'm not posting this for pity or any of that "hang in there!" shit. I welcome obnoxious comments.

I just wanted to share something I just realized. Tonight is one of those nights nobody sees. When I'm burned to the ground. I've pushed and pushed and now my body is pushing back. My hair is gone again from restarting chemo too so there is that. No biggie. Third time's a charm.

What strikes me is that people only see me when I'm up. They see me after I've propped myself up. They see me perform. I show up to meetings. I fake it. My clothes are pressed, my hat is just so - hiding the devastation beneath.

Nobody sees this. The shaky, old man. The quivering weakness. The cold sweating. The disorientation. My inability to get up the stairs without help. It's my secret and nobody needs to know.

I'll drug myself to sleep and tomorrow get up and go to work like every day. People will say "But you look normal." And I will think "If you had any idea how much work it took for me to be here and look normal". But I won't say it. I'll just change the subject.

But tonight I'm out. And surprisingly, not depressed.

Just one of those nights. Like so many others.

Think about the people around you who may be suffering in silence. Don't tell them they look great. Ask them what you can do. They will probably say "nothing" but they appreciate being asked. Don't pretend everything is fine. Let it be awkward. Hold their hand. Give a hug and linger just a moment.

I'm lucky. I know this path. This is not new. My dog is here at my side. My friends (you) are here. Tomorrow I fight another day.

Good night.

:cert:

[JRD77VET]

Good night Pete and good luck tomorrow ( and the days after too )

Jeff

[MrPeabody]

I do think about people around me. When I do my volunteer job at the hospital I meet a dozen or so people who are there for a medical procedure. Many of these procedures are routine, like colonoscopies, but some are far more serious. I do know what procedure they are there for, but I don't tell them I know. This is because I am not a medical professional, and shouldn't get into a medical conversation with them. If they have questions, I get a nurse to answer it for them.

You can tell people who are very stressed out, and those for whom hospital visits have become routine. The are all human beings with life stories that led them there, and I wonder what their stories are.

I think the ones that make me feel the most uneasy are the amputations. Probably because that is a great fear of mine. To have a conversation or even say good morning to someone who is going to be leaving part of their body there is a surreal experience to me.

[Fasglas]

In this life, there is only ONE thing that you totally control.

YOURSELF

For some, it's an impossible full time job, for others, full autopilot. Most are between those two points.

Do the best you can with what you have.

:cert:

[Milton Fox]

I learned a long time ago - no matter how bad off you think you are - there is always someone else out there that has it worse - always. :angel:

[Kerrmudgeon]

:kingpin:......:thumbs:.....stay strong, we need you.

[mrvette]

Best of luck and good wishes to you......you have had much more than your share of negative crap...soon the devil's shit shovel will wear out.....and you be in good shape going forward......:sadangel::cert:

[SnikPlosskin]

Just a bad night. Sometimes I just run out of energy. It freaks out my family a bit because I turn into a 95 year old man. Just woke up. Caffeine intake, breakfast, meds. Then we shall see. Thank you all for letting me communicate. I guess it has become routine. I used to worry about it.

I never thought about those nights before. It happens about once or twice a month. It's like my muscles and brain just shut down. Hard to explain. I think the worst part is the shivering. Better today as I expected.

:cert:

[04 commemorative]

You are one of the people I donate weekly platelets for my friend......:seasix:
Is there anything else I can do for you ?...

[VITE1]

Stay strong Pete. :angel:

[CubSmurf]

Keep fighting, Pete!

[8Up]

I'm not posting this for pity or any of that "hang in there!" shit. I welcome obnoxious comments.

I just wanted to share something I just realized. Tonight is one of those nights nobody sees. When I'm burned to the ground. I've pushed and pushed and now my body is pushing back. My hair is gone again from restarting chemo too so there is that. No biggie. Third time's a charm.

What strikes me is that people only see me when I'm up. They see me after I've propped myself up. They see me perform. I show up to meetings. I fake it. My clothes are pressed, my hat is just so - hiding the devastation beneath.

Nobody sees this. The shaky, old man. The quivering weakness. The cold sweating. The disorientation. My inability to get up the stairs without help. It's my secret and nobody needs to know.

I'll drug myself to sleep and tomorrow get up and go to work like every day. People will say "But you look normal." And I will think "If you had any idea how much work it took for me to be here and look normal". But I won't say it. I'll just change the subject.

But tonight I'm out. And surprisingly, not depressed.

Just one of those nights. Like so many others.

Think about the people around you who may be suffering in silence. Don't tell them they look great. Ask them what you can do. They will probably say "nothing" but they appreciate being asked. Don't pretend everything is fine. Let it be awkward. Hold their hand. Give a hug and linger just a moment.

I'm lucky. I know this path. This is not new. My dog is here at my side. My friends (you) are here. Tomorrow I fight another day.

Good night.

:cert:

Alright man, Im giving you a virtual hug............. But Im not touching your junk no matter how much you offer me!

[Norm]

It's a struggle, keep on fighting, best wishes.

[HellCat]

God's blessing on you. Stay strong because He is with you.

[Burro (He/Haw)]

But Im not touching your junk no matter how much you offer me!

I'd fondle his ball bag with a baby wipe.

[OldSarge]

Keep up the fight, we go day by day.

[Chuck A]

sending good thoughts and well wishes

[snide]

Pics of wife? :bigears:




Best wishes, Pete.

:cheers:

[SnikPlosskin]

Alright man, Im giving you a virtual hug............. But Im not touching your junk no matter how much you offer me!

$7. My last offer.

[SnikPlosskin]

I'd fondle his ball bag with a baby wipe.

Pass.

PM me details

[Milton Fox]

Pass.

PM me details

Have to admire a man with standards. :yesnod:

[SnikPlosskin]

I just realized something. My iron levels have been dropping over the last few lab work ups. I bet I'm anemic again. I had blood drawn last week but keep forgetting to call in for results. The cancer center tends to schedule me without telling me. (Yes, WTF).

It's so stupid how it works. As my levels drop, they can't treat me until it falls below the minimum. Except, by then, I'm a mess. Then it takes weeks to recover with iron infusions every other day (seriously ****ing up my schedule.) for two weeks minimum.

Idiotic. I didn't think of it until today.

Taking bets on whether or not I'm anemic. Winner gets a hug from me. Loser cups Thomas' balls.

[JRD77VET]

Taking bets on whether or not I'm anemic. Winner gets a hug from me. Loser cups Thomas' balls.

With odds like that, I'm too broke to pay attention :leaving:

[markids77]

You are almost certainly anemic again. Instead of a hug, tell us how the Vette is coming along (or not coming along).

[SnikPlosskin]

You are almost certainly anemic again. Instead of a hug, tell us how the Vette is coming along (or not coming along).

Zero progress I'm afraid. I bailed on the last two bolts for the headlight assemblies because I was sick of those damn headlights.

Starting next weekend, I'll start getting after it. I've just been too tired.

Tomorrow I have work stuff. I also have to fix my 2004 so I can list it for sale. The damn air injector check valve CEL issue. I've cleaned the system twice now but no joy. I need to get it emissions tested ASAP (it's expired).

I may have to remove the damn intake to replace both valves. Not a huge deal but a damn pain in the ass.

Just not enough hours in the day. I may just take it to the dealer and charge it.

Upside is new tires and zero mechanical issues once this emissions shit is fixed. Hate to see it go.

[wwomanC6]

I just realized something. My iron levels have been dropping over the last few lab work ups. I bet I'm anemic again. I had blood drawn last week but keep forgetting to call in for results. The cancer center tends to schedule me without telling me. (Yes, WTF).

It's so stupid how it works. As my levels drop, they can't treat me until it falls below the minimum. Except, by then, I'm a mess. Then it takes weeks to recover with iron infusions every other day (seriously ****ing up my schedule.) for two weeks minimum.

Idiotic. I didn't think of it until today.

Taking bets on whether or not I'm anemic. Winner gets a hug from me. Loser cups Thomas' balls.

To help get your Iron levels back up without infusions, take an Iron pill with 250mg vitamin C pill on an empty stomach once a day. This is what my hematologist had me do when I was anemic and suffer with absorption issues. :seasix:

[04 commemorative]

I'm going with anemic,if wrong I will send you a autographed picture of me with pink & purple hair and beard,wearing a pink and purple tutu,running into the Atlantic Ocean Feb. 25th for the Special Olympics !
How can you not take that bet ?:willy:
Best of wishes going your way,feel better :seasix: